Ok, I’ve been avoiding this post.  But here it goes:  things changed at the last minute, and I’m back to waiting.

The birthmother I was matched with is an amazing young woman, already raising a child and with her eyes set steadily on some serious goals for her own future.  She learned in the last week of her pregnancy that her family would be more supportive than she’d realized.  Perhaps they didn’t know, themselves, how willing they were to help her out until the adoption was becoming a reality.  And although, yes, I was very sad, I am ok.

Paul took very good care of me – even in the last few days of the match when both of us knew something just wasn’t right, he was 100% supportive and ready to drive me to St Louis.  After we got the word that the situation had changed, he asked me what he could do for me.  “I want pudding,” I wept.  “Pudding, and hobbits.”  So he made me pudding and suffered through hours of the Lord of the Rings until I fell asleep.  And the next day he got my sorry ass out of bed and took me out for a walk in the insanely beautiful fall weather.

My friends and family have all been amazing.  They’ve all given me hugs, and their love and sympathy, but every single person has understood that this change – no matter how sad it might make me for the moment – was clearly the right choice.  If the birthmother isn’t sure, then it isn’t the right thing to do.  The adoption can’t be right for either of us unless it’s right for both of us.

I don’t know whether I’ll ever hear from her again, and it seems like it would be awkward to try to get in touch.  (I’m pretty sure I’m “not supposed to.”)  But I like that girl, and I’m proud of her for making all these hard decisions, and with all the hope I have in my heart that I’ll have a child of my own, and soon, I have plenty of room for hopes for her too, and her two children.

Meanwhile, I’m ok, the baby clothes are sorted by length in inches, the infant formula is stocked in the kitchen, the cats have taken to sleeping in the crib, and I know that this will happen.  I don’t know when, but I’m ready.

I’m so, so ready.