Day 2 and I already was in a writer’s-block panic!  So for today, just a list.  Here are some adoption things that I think more people should be aware of.  I’ll make it a Top Ten List, and then I can go back later and write more about some of these.

1.  When someone tells you they are planning to adopt, just say what you would say to any expectant, excited, soon-to-be parent:  say Congratulations.

2.  There are lots of kinds of adoption.

The three big categories are foreign adoptions, domestic adoptions through the public foster care system, and “private” domestic adoptions (not through foster care).

Adoptions can also be closed (the traditional kind where you don’t know anything about the birth parents, and they don’t have any contact with you), or open (where the birthparents and adoptive family are in touch with each other).  The possible amounts of open-ness and closed-ness vary along a huge spectrum.  Even in a closed adoption, adoptees now have access to more and more information about their birthfamiles.  Openness is growing!

3.  Words matter.  We used to say a birthmother “gives up” her baby for adoption.  But we don’t say that anymore.  Please, when you talk about adoption, practice saying that a birthmother has “placed her child in an adoption.”  This woman has just done the most impossibly brave and selfless thing a woman can do, and her decision will change her life, and her child’s life, and the adopting parent’s life, forever.  She is giving.  She is not giving up.

4.  Better protection for adopted children has been a big issue in the news lately.  There are a lot of scary stories out there that would really break your heart, about children who were adopted into families who mistreated them horribly.  So if you just google around, you might find bloggers and reporters who seem kind of against-adoption.  It’s important to remember that everyone, whether they’re adoption cheerleaders or adoption critics, wants every child to be raised by a family that loves them and can take care of them.

5.  Some people are really ignorant.  There are still people who say stuff like,  “So, who are the REAL parents?”

I know, YOU would never say that.  But people do!  If anyone says that to you, just ask them, “Where are your REAL manners?”  Because, hello, rude!

6.  “Adoption has its own labor pains.”  That’s what a very wise woman told me many years ago.

7.  I wanted to put in a statistic about how many adopted children there are in the US, but while there’s tons of data there’s no obvious and simple answer, and I don’t feel like reading all the spreadsheets and doing the math.  I frequently see the statistic, from some survey, that about 60% of Americans are connected to adoption in some way – someone in their family was adopted, etc.

8.  Adoptions that are not done through the foster system are super expensive.  Really, really expensive.  If you know someone who’s waiting to adopt, assume they are now totally broke.

There’s a partial tax credit, which has to be re-approved every year, and the rules about it change every year.  Most people don’t know about it, but for adopting families it’s a kinda life and death.  I will definitely write more about this!!!  Only don’t sue me.  I am not a tax attorney and nothing I say should be taken as tax advice etc etc.  (I think I have to say that.)  But I’ll tell you what I’ve learned so far.

9.  Everything else I can think of is more personal – my own story, why I decided on adoption, what’s it’s been like for me, what I hope for, what I’m afraid of.  I’m not sure I will ever think that my personal feelings are something the world should be aware of.  I’m not that much of a drama queen.  But it has definitely been helpful to me, reading what other people have shared about their own stories and how they have felt.  So I’ll share some of mine, and if it makes anybody else on this road feel less lonely, then it’s worth it.

10.  Breastfeeding.  No shit.  People actually expect adoptive moms to do this.  Think about it, people.

If your first reaction is “How the &#*^$ would that even be possible,” then we’re starting on the same page.  If your first reaction is “Why of course, dear, even men can lactate.  You better start pumping now!” then go away and don’t talk to me.  Of course, if one can breastfeed, one ought to.  So I won’t actually put my hands over my ears and yell LALALALA while you talk about taking drugs, drinking weird tea, and  – er – stimulating bits.  But in defiance of the breastfeeding fascists out there on the front lines of the mommy wars, I’d like to reserve some healthy skepticism here.  I’m going to do some research on this one and I’ll let you know what I find out.