One of my favorite things is when I tell someone I’m waiting to adopt and they tell me they’ve been thinking about adoption too, and they want to know EVERYTHING.  The problem is, I get all excited and take them out for coffee and tell them EVERYTHING.  And actually, nobody ever really wants to know everything at once, especially not right at the beginning.  Honestly, I think I’ve scared people off big time.  (Sigh)

So here’s my attempt at a less-scary summary of how adoption works.

First, you decide you want to have a kid.

Second, you decide you want to adopt a kid.

The process of getting from A to B is intensely personal.  Some people add children to their family through adoption because they feel a deep calling, like a religious calling, or a call to social justice, that takes the shape of adoption.  Some people adopt because they have a personal adoption story in their own family and they want to continue that legacy.  Some people adopt because getting pregnant just wasn’t gonna happen – like, for male couples, it’s kinda hard to get pregnant and no fertility clinic is going to make it any easier.  And some people thought they’d get pregnant, found out it was unlikely, and decided that their desire to raise a child was more essential than their desire to give birth to one.  That was how it worked for me.

Third, you decide what kind of adoption to pursue.

Lots of things go into this decision and lots of people will try to persuade you to change your mind.  The important thing is to be really clear, in your head, and in your heart, about why you picked the route that seemed right for you.  That was you can tell people politely that you “appreciate their suggestions”… without going home in tears, wracked with self-doubt and wondering if you made the right choice.  (You’re going to have days like that anyway.)  So if you’re adopting internationally, people are going to give you shit about all the children who needs families here in the US.  If you adopt in the US, people will give you shit about the orphans far away who need families too.

Lots and lots and lots of people will now tell you that you are sure to get pregnant because they heard of someone who couldn’t have a baby and decided to adopt and then magically got pregnant, therefore it will happen to you to.  Do not hurt these people.  They do actually mean well.

Fourth, you pick the agency and start the application process.

The central part of the application is the infamous homestudy, and surrounding that is a ton of paperwork, including criminal background clearances, financial scrutiny, medical exams, and  – hopefully! – intensive training around the many interesting issues that come up during the adoption process, both before and after a child is placed with you.

Fourth-and-a-half, unless you’re adopting through the state, or you’re a multi-billionaire rock star, you get a loan because your adoption will cost upward of 10 K.

Fifth, you get cleared!  Hooray!

Now you wait.

While you wait:

Now it all depends on which kind of adoption you’re doing.  If you adopt through the state, you might foster for a while first.  If you adopt internationally, you’ll probably have to travel to the child’s country a few times and make visits at the orphanage.  If you’re doing an adoption like mine, you spend the waiting-time trying to… well, trying to get picked.   The wait in open adoption is kind of like a weird form of internet dating.

After that:  a child is declared to be your child!

The child may be in another country, or another state, and might be an infant or a kid.  You’ll probably travel to where your child is, and you probably wont’ get to go home right away, because taking a child across state or national boundaries is tricky stuff legally, and legally, you are not actually the parent yet.  You might end up living in a hotel for a while.  But eventually you go home with your child.

After after that: 

Eventually more paperwork gets done and you become a legal parent.  It might take a year, but probably not more than that.

After after after that:

Everything else happens.  The diapers, the missing socks, the mashed carrots in the hair, the stupid questions from ignorant people, the loving life-saving help from friends, the middle of the night weepy fits (the baby’s, and yours), the professional soccer scholarship at age two and/or cello lessons, etc. etc.