Ok, I’ve know from the start that I wanted to write this post, but I worried about it for days because I was afraid it would sound mean, ungrateful, picky and demanding, unreasonable, selfish, etc.  Because I am going to be somewhat critical of things people say when they mean well.

So I want to say right up front that when I say well-intentioned, I really believe that.  And it’s AMAZING how warm and supportive people have been, through the whole long process of trying to wrap my mind around wanting to start a family but being single, through thinking it would be easy to get pregnant, through finding out it wouldn’t be easy and trying anyway, through changing paths, through the long wait since then, through the rollercoaster of matches, near-matches, unmatches.   Any time someone offers me the gift of their kind wishes, warm thoughts, and good intentions, no matter what form that offer takes, I feel deeply grateful.  You know what?  If you want to pray for me, damn, that would be awesome, because it’s not something I really know how to do myself.  Light a candle for me.  Wish on a star for me.  It can’t hurt.

But sometimes people say well-intentioned things that do hurt a little.  The hurt is not from cruelty on the other person’s part.  In fact, they didn’t even really cause it.  The hurt is there already, in my heart, because I’ve been through too much uncertainty and too much sadness, and sometimes even a hug or a smile makes my heart ache, makes me cry.  There are rough spots and tender spots and ragged edges, and sometimes even kindness stings a little.  That’s ok.

I know people WANT to be supportive.  So I’m going to take a deep breath and share my thoughts on three helpful things people often say, with some suggestions for how those same warm feelings might be even more helpfully expressed, with less sting.  And I’ll also share my best advice for people on the receiving-end of good intentions.  ;)

Well intentioned:

“Oh, how exciting that you’re adopting!  You know, I know someone who said that her sister had a friend who couldn’t get pregnant, tried for years, all the doctors said it was hopeless, and she finally decided to adopt, and then the very next month she was pregnant.  So that will probably happen to you!”

You would never say:

“Oh, how exciting that you’re getting married!  You know, I know someone who wanted to get married more than anything, all her life, and she just never found the right guy, and then she finally got married and while she was away on her honeymoon, she actually fell in love with someone else!  That will probably happen to you.”

Actually thoughtful:

“Oh, how exciting that you’re adopting!”

Even better:

“Oh, how exciting that you’re adopting!  Please let me know how things are going.  I’d really love to hear all about it.”

Well intentioned:

“I heard you were planning to adopt!  You know, if you want to have a baby, I could be your sperm donor/egg donor/surrogate.”

You would never say:

“I heard you were pregnant!  You know, there are a lot of kids out there who need families.  I could help you find an adoption agency.”

Actually thoughtful:

“I heard you were trying to get pregnant and looking for a sperm donor/surrogate.  You know, I’d be really interested in talking to you about that.”

Even better:

“I heard you were planning to adopt!  I want this to work out for you, so much – I would do anything to help you!  Like, if you were trying to get pregnant, I would offer to be a donor/surrogate.  I hope if there’s something I can do, you’ll ask me.”

Well intentioned:

“I saw your adoption page!  It’s really great!  I know someone who adopted their baby and they really loved their agency.  Here’s the website.”

You would never say:

“I saw your email with the new address!   Your new house looks really lovely.  You know, there’s a house for sale on my street.  Here’s the real estate agent’s number.”

Actually thoughtful:

“I saw your adoption page!  It’s really great!  I know someone who adopted their baby and it’s all just so wonderful and exciting.”

Even better:

“I saw your adoption page!  It’s really great!  Your agency sounds really interesting.  How did you decide to choose them?”

And here is my best advice for being on the receiving end. 

1.  Breathe.  Maybe twice.

2.  This person is speaking to you from their heart, and we don’t all speak fluent Heart.  Pretend you’re translating another language and turn the words back into feelings.  Like this:

“Oh!  Exciting!  I hope hope hope for an amazing surprise hope hope!”

“Here, you can have the most intimate parts of myself – I give them to you – if it helps you.”

“I see connections all around that remind me of you.  You’re not alone.”

3.  If what you heard wasn’t what you wanted, you can still ask for what you wanted.

“I actually need to stop hoping I’ll get pregnant, or I’ll just go crazy.  Right now I need to hope a birthmother chooses me!  You can help me hope for that.”

“I’m not trying to get pregnant, but you can help me in lots of other ways.  Here’s my adoption website – do you think you could email it to every single person you know?”

“Yeah, I really like my agency too!  And it’s so good to be in touch with people who have been through this.  If you run across any other articles, or websites, or blogs, or anything, I’d really love to have them.  I’m collecting a list!”

4.  If something is hurting, own it.  You still secretly cry every time you get your period even though you know you can’t be pregnant.  You’ve gathered so much information about every possible path you could have taken, it’s a sickening whirl of dollar signs, legal forms, doors open and doors closed.  You have doubts, all the time, about whether you chose the right path, the right agency, the right photo, the right font on your letter.  Those feelings were there already, and were not caused by what the other person said.

5.  If you want a pair of scissors and someone gives you a hammer, that might not help a lot right now.  But who knows?  Maybe you’ll need a hammer later.  Or maybe somebody else will need a hammer and you can pass it along.  Or maybe you should just say “Thanks for the lovely hammer!” and go find a pair of scissors yourself.

OMG someone just walked into my office and handed me a cookie.  !!!!  No lie; that really just happened.